I

The clarity of the situation I am in came out of the blue. A single day of complete isolation, or the idea of it triggered an endless thought process. I for once could see clearly, of what I am and what I am not. For what I care for and for what I have been asked to care for. What I like and what I don’t. The compromises I have made and the ones I shouldnt have. The principles I live by and the ones I have bent to stay in the horse race. Let me try to break it to you.

I… I may smile at you and may listen to you with patience, but that doesn’t mean I am interested or entertained, its me just being nice. I for one, love very few and like most.

I say I do not indulge in bitching, but that doesn’t hold true any more. I have bent my spine many times and have taken part in the bitching process at first to only be part of the conversation and not be left out, but now as an act of habit. I plan to restore myself to the former glory.

I have bent my knees, bowed my head and surrendered my self-respect more than once for love. I have loved, I have lied, I have cheated. I have been lied to and have consciously believed those lies just cause I wasnt strong enough to accept the truth.

I have insecurities that are deep-rooted, that tears me apart silently. I also understand that these are the base to my character. It is the defining factor. I am not the sum of the good moments, I am the sum of my worst experiences, and no, that’s not a bad thing. It has allowed me to be more appreciative.

My brain never stops talking. Every thing I say is usually always planned to benefit my needs, yes I am cunning and there is no denying it. I have tried not be, but as I said my brain never stops talking.

I have tried hard not to hurt others feelings and have often failed miserably. I have reached a point where it has taken its toll on me and has at last made me unable to pursue my happiness. So the next time I am cold to you, believe me, you deserve it.

I have been told n number of times what is wrong for me or with me. I have spent hours, days and months, going back on it, evaluating it, brooding over it and crying over it only to come to the conclusion that – This is me. So the next time you think I should be doing some thing in ways that is acceptable to your logic, know this, I am not living your life.

If I am not interfering in your business I expect the same from you.

My dreams are often wild and un reliable and unpalatable to many. I lack the confidence to chase those dreams, but believe me, one day I will muster the courage to do so, and when I do so, I know I will give it my whole, and it would be a master piece.

I have come to the realisation that I have missed on a good part of my life, doing the things I have been told to rather than doing the things I wanted to, mostly out of fear of being judged, social commitments, convenience, laziness and a complete lack of spine. I do not intend to live the same. I want to live rather than just exist. I want to die with memories rather than regrets. I want to Live to Inspire.

I dream big, and is never happy with what I hold. I believe I am better than this. Every day I have worked to improve myself in ways it seemed fit to me, and I am pleased with the progress I have made. I will keep doing it to the day I die. I am by no means perfect, not even close, but I am perfect in my own imperfect ways. And when I look upon my self I am only proud and holds no regret for I have strived hard to be the person I am today.

-Vishnu. R